Abusive relationships- When love becomes a punishment

“But even when I stop crying, even when we fall asleep and I’m nestled in his arms, this will leave another scar. No one will see it. No one will know. But it will be there. And eventually all of the scars will have scars, and that’s all I’ll be–one big scar of a love gone wrong.”

You know how in the beginning of a relationship, everything is literally picture perfect. You feel like you belong in his arms and no feeling in the world could beat the one you experienced in his presence. We build our world around people we love. And the thing about romantic love is, it’s too idealistic, yet too crazy for our own good. The idea of being so insanely in love with someone you have no obligation to love or be attached too seems like such a wonderful thing doesn’t it? And It makes you wonder if you would ever fall in love with someone like that again. It feels so rare and incredible that you place it right at the top of everything else.

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It’s like there are a billion people in the world, a thousand in the crowd, and all you can see is them. Everything else is too hazy, too distant. You know you make a promise to them and to yourself that you’d do whatever it takes to make them happy and keep them that way. Their priorities become your priorities, their friends become your friends. You surrender your life to them and you know you don’t realise what you’re losing in that relationship because the happy bubble hasn’t burst yet. You’re in that state where you wouldn’t even want to believe that something could go wrong in your picture perfect world. But slowly the reality starts to set in. There is no world with just the two of you in it; there are a billion other things affecting a person’s state of mind. That’s when you begin to see the true colours of a person. When you see how they react in stress, when they’re angry. How they deal with the common emotions we all experience. Just because you love somebody doesn’t give them the power to hurt you and you the responsibility to bear with it. When you made that promise to do everything in your capacity to keep them happy and to stick with them through thick and thin, you must remember that they made the same promise too.

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You’re always on equal grounds in a relationship. Anything that is important to you doesn’t become any less important because of them. When two people fall in love, their worlds amalgamate. It’s not a hostile takeover. You don’t have to dissolve yourself in their lives and their priorities. And in no circumstances, does that person have the right to physically, mentally or emotionally abuse you. You’re not a plastic toy that they can treat you as they please. Don’t even try to justify them to yourself, let alone to anyone else. Love isn’t a misery, don’t make it one. I know at that point it’s practically impossible to picture your life without them and as poetic as it sounds, it’s unhealthy. Why can you not survive without them? You’ve done that for most of your life. People survive without their parents, then what makes you think it’s impossible for you to live without them? You understand their stress, you listen to them sometimes when they’re mad. You give them space or whatever it takes for them to be okay. But you don’t become a punching bag for them to relieve themselves of the stress. As much as they may want to keep you within the grip of their hands, you’re not a puppet. If you feel like they want to control you and they call it love, you very well know that it isn’t love. It’s just their need to have a hold over something. There’s a very thin line between love and obsession. And you must set that demarcation right at the beginning of your relationship. Nobody can have 24 hours and 365 days of your life to themselves. Space is as important as closeness in a relationship. So if at all you’re being abused in a relationship, no matter what the relationship is like, even if you’re married for that matter, speak up. Don’t let them believe that they hold any power over you.

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Be brave and speak for yourself. Try to talk things out with them if you can, but only if they’re willing to listen. If they’re not, you are not obligated to repeatedly give them chances and disappoint you each time. The scars on your body should only represent endurance and strength, not weakness. You don’t want them to get punished because you love them right? Then how are they able to punish you with their own hands if they love you too? Or at least they claim to do so. Stay in your senses, wake up and face the truth. They don’t love you because you don’t deliberately hurt people you love. They can’t keep hurting you and apologising for it, apology isn’t always good enough. And you must not always forgive. Not everyone deserves your forgiveness or your time. Don’t waste your precious time on people who don’t even understand the meaning of love. You’ll find someone to love, even if you think there’s nobody. There’ll always be someone left to love, someone who deserves you and who’ll treat you right. Save yourself for them. Be brave, stand up and fight. Let love remain a joy, and not a punishment.

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