1.00A.M, I felt my pillow vibrating. I opened my eyes at once and rubbed my face against the pillow to wipe off those tears. With all the hope and gathering back all the strength to listen to the deep, stern voice which once sounded amiable and pleasing to make me fall head over heels; to make me break all the rules laid at home; to fake a promise to mom that I would marry the guy of her choice and that I wouldn’t fall in love. That same voice, taught me to believe in the force that pulled us together and never to shrug away. I did fall for it all. I do not blame him one bit. But today, I stand with the sense of guilt and fear that I have made a mistake not because of anyone but only because of my own absurdity and ignorance.
I answered the call and maintained silence. I heard him and he knows I am not willing to talk. While he thinks I am keeping quiet because I think I am wrong, I keep quiet to avoid bursting into tears. I know he doesn’t like it when I cry. And I am this person who loves doing what he likes when he is around. Be it my hairstyle, the color of my dress when I am out with him for lunch, the songs I hummed when he drove the car, every single thing has been related and somehow linked to him when we are together. Back then, every single day was green and lovely. The kisses, the hugs, the birthdays, the most memorable ice cream dates, everything still bright and fresh in my mind. While all these flash inside my head, I am barely able to think while he is talking with absolutely no patience. Not being able to control it anymore, I started crying and when it was loud enough for him to hear, all he had to tell me was “you are so not a fighter. I can’t believe I shut my eyes and gave my all to a coward.” And that is it. He calls it the end and I call it void. Yes, a large one which has left me thinking and weak.
I don’t know if we really aren’t made for each other. I don’t know if I will be compatible with his career and way of living. Yes, I am a little backward in thinking. I cannot wear a tube top and mini skirt to a party. I like the way I dress up when I go out. I know that I have absolutely no fashion sense but that doesn’t make one not live a life with me. I did change myself when he was around. I tried adapting. I did fight with my own self and gave up my interests when they did not match his interests. Did you see there? I did fight and I am a fighter. I don’t want to sound like an epitome of sacrifice but, I, at 20, gave up my likes for another 20 year old male.
If it ended, it did for a reason. May be he was right and may be our relationship did not work out at all. May be I was not seeing what he was seeing. May be, I was just another bad girlfriend or I deserved a better one to trust my life with.
Now, I am not going to complain that I am lonely and that this loneliness kills me. I am sitting in my room, doing what I love the most, writing. I am glad I had the strength to fight it all and make a new beginning out of the end. I am happy I had those few friendly hearts to lend their supporting hands to pull me back on track. Of course, I wish he was there to share my happiness with, but, that is okay. I am not going to deny that he is also facing something deep and he also feels hurt.
If you just had a break up, please do not think he/she is going to move on right away putting your life in misery. If you wish to make a come-back, you can and you will! You may make an attempt to try to fix things between both of you, but, you may only fix it and not bring it back to square one. Once a scar, remains a scar forever. If you are going to think that for all the care, the love, the time, the money, all they could do was to throw you away and dump you, screw it! You deserve a big fat happy life with millions of smiles. Forget all that happened. Never forget what you learnt out of every phase you went through in the relationship. When you know you weren’t the one who made mistakes, give up. There is a thin line between giving up and moving away when you think you have faced enough. Never lose yourself when you give your heart to them. It is very difficult to bring your old self back into form.