Whatever you think, whatever you are, whatever you believe, right down to the core of your heart, it never changes. You meet a lot of people in life. Some special, some not; some whom you don’t know at all but are still present in the background, some whom you just can’t let go of.
You feel you know everyone, you feel you know everything, you feel you’ve experienced a lot, with each passing day, each ticking second, you feel a little wiser; but you just don’t accept the fact that this feeling, is never right. You never really know someone entirely, you never have really experienced something completely; everything in the world is incomplete. You are incomplete, and you will remain so, always. There is always something that is lacking, something that doesn’t satisfy you entirely. There is that small little thing at the back of your head that just keeps nagging you, time and again, making you think back to the time when that experience left such a huge impact on you.
You are not you anymore. You never were you. You are what the people around you think you are. You are just someone in the crowd; in the society that made you who you are today. You didn’t make yourself. You were made.
So what is the truth exactly?
Do we really know the truth behind anything? Can we distinguish between what’s real and what’s not? Can we ever put our finger on something with full confidence, without an iota of doubt? We can’t.
It’s impossible to know if he or she loves you or not. It’s impossible to know if you’ll do well in life or not. It’s impossible to know whether you are really living or not. You don’t know what you deserve, you don’t know what you really should know, you don’t realize life for what it actually is, for what it stands for.
But why this uncertainty? Why this lack of faith? Why this distrust?
Why must we think a thousand times before agreeing to blindly trust someone? Why do we feel something pulling us back every time we are about to make a decision?
It’s a revelation of thoughts, a realization of what is a fact and what isn’t.
A realization that is usually never realized.
Why do we turn a blind eye to what is supposed to be and accept what we want it to be? Why do we make it as per our convenience? Why do we not think for the people around us?
Why do the people around us not seem as important as before? Why have you grown apart? Why is there a doubt behind every part of your life?
Why do you feel incomplete even though you know you have everything, you have everyone around you?
There is a certain confusion in the air. It’s not simple. It’s never easy. It’s not supposed to be. Then why do we force it to be?
Have you ever questioned yourself, and the reason you make your every move, your every decision?
Have you ever realized why you made that decision?
It’s like I said earlier; it was never you.
It’s the people around you.
You never know when someone influences your thoughts directly or indirectly in your day to day life. You never realize the day you changed that tiny habit of yours unconsciously. You just don’t.
You move with the flow. You live as per the direction the people around you take you in. The moves you make in life, the way you behave, your tastes, your preferences, your everything; it’s not yours. There is a reason you can’t trust, a reason you can’t believe, a reason it’s not what it’s supposed to be.
There is a reason you are reading this.
It’s an amalgam of thoughts, this writing. A collection of unanswered queries.
It seems unfair not knowing all this. It seems, not real.
Maybe that’s why we ignore it. Because we don’t want to face it; or maybe we can’t.
We can’t face what is the bare truth. We know deep inside we will not be able to stand it. So we ignore, and life moves on. We don’t really question anymore. We just let it be. Everyone else does the same. We live oblivious of the facts and realities of life around us.
I’m writing this now, because it makes sense to recollect all these thoughts. The thoughts that we all have but don’t pay any heed to. We can relate to these thoughts in many ways. I relate to it through various situations I am facing. Right now. At this moment.
I am happy. I know I am. I don’t have any reason not to be. But there is still that doubt. Still an apprehension that is holding me back, that is making me think and question what or who makes me happy. It’s making me question this happiness. Why? I don’t know. But it is.
It’s making me feel a little, not myself. But then again, who am I really? Am I the girl I was when I was a child, moulded by my family and their teachings; or am I the person I am right now, influenced by the people around me, by the person I love, by the people I work it, by my friends?
I can’t decide.
Maybe I am a mix of both. Maybe, this is how I am meant to be. A mix. Maybe that’s why I am in a dilemma most of the times as I try to please everyone around me. The conflicting decisions I have to make, it’s for the people around me. That’s who I am, I guess. A confused soul with an amusement to please the people around me.
I trust them, but I don’t know how much they trust me.
I love them, but I don’t know how much they love me.
I believe them, but I don’t know how much they believe me.
I don’t know.
Like, maybe I do. But then again, I don’t at the same time. Not entirely.
What if they leave? What if who I am, for real, isn’t enough for them? What if it isn’t what they expect?
What if, I’m not who they want me to be?
What if I’m left alone?
It’s difficult, being alone. Which is why you need people; to grow, to survive, to be You.
They are a part of you. They will always remain a part of you. You can’t do anything about that; and deep inside you, you know you don’t want to do anything about that.
There is someone you care about. There is always that someone. But how do you tell them that you care? Why are we always so scared to admit the truth and accept what is similar to the truth so easily? Why can’t we be honest about our true feelings and tell them as frankly as possible instead of hiding them with the fear of hurting them? Is it really that difficult?
We all have things that are untold. That need to be shared. Then why don’t we? Why keep hurting yourself with those millions of thoughts that trouble your mind so much that you start disbelieving the actual truth? Why don’t we wait to find out the reality instead of assuming things?
There is an abundance of questions but a scarcity of answers.
But will we ever be strong enough to face those answers?
Will I ever be strong enough?