“Freedom – To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
- Ayn Rand
To develop independence in life, we should want it and know it’s time. A relationship between a child and a parent is one such relationship which needs the participation of both the individuals to develop independence. Parents need to know that when to let their child to make their own choice and it is an ingrained habit to be built on since early childhood. Most become dependent on their parent because of the singular families these days. But once grown, we all know what we want and what we are doing.
A few years back I decided to end the dependency I had with my family. Yes, we all need family support but most of us take it for granted. I am the youngest child for my parents and I was the most pampered kid. To have someone at times of difficulty is good, but to have someone do all your decisions and works is a kind of dependency which can be a profound effect on self improvement.
I adored my brother and in my eye he always made the perfect choice. So for every simple thing I would ask him or sometimes my father as what I need to do. Although, many times they use to tell me that I need to make my own choice, they ended up giving me advice’s just out of love and not to make me disappointed. Nevertheless, things became so obtuse for me as there was nothing challenging for me, no tensions, nothing to worry about, because I knew I always have my parents or my brother if need be.
One fine day I realized that I am being too reliant on my family and should try to change myself. Sure the transformation was not easy and found myself doing various mistakes, which also made me realize that I knew so less about the world and the skills to tackle tricky situation. At the same time, these mistakes, made me learn my own ways, gave me strength to face things more boldly, and made me more stronger, smarter and challenging. Well, there cannot be a better teacher than life itself isn’t it? Since the time I decided walk alone, I made many wrong choices, mistakes, but there is not a single thing which I would regret. Today, I am happy that I did not run for help and faced my problems by myself.
When it is time and you realize that you need to halt being dependent, admit it to yourself first. A lot many of us do not realize that we are dependent on others instead we just think people like to help us. Anyone would be able to help us a few times, but if it becomes repetitive, people can start disliking us and the ones who love us might try to help us out of pity. Do we want pity? No, we do not need anyone feel pity on us. So knowing that you are being dependent and wanting to change is the first step.
Usually we realize that we are depending on someone is when we actually come face to face with some kind of confusion, anger, sadness towards the person upon whom we are dependent. Acting on those feelings appropriately in such cases can help to build the relationship which might be leading towards breaking point. The only way to stop dependency is by getting away from the person. It can be painful, but try to stay as much as less in touch with the person and try being with other people. Tell yourself every time that you need to stop contacting or asking when you feel the need.
The purpose of staying away and not involving the person is mainly to learn what you are capable and how far you can handle your problems. Do not be afraid of doing a mistake, because we all learn from our mistakes. While in the stage of being away from the person you were dependent, do not dwell on someone else. Yes! Being away and trying to be less involved can also mar the relationship, but there will be a time to reconstruct it. Learn about your strengths and work on things by yourself without asking for help as much as possible. The joy of independence is felt when you try to do things your own way. Once you feel confident enough that you can handle things, it will be time to reconnect with the person upon whom you were depending on.
You might ask that, is it possible to reconstruct the relationship? Yes!, it is possible because that person who wanted to help you is the one who loved you for what you were and would never like to see you unhappy, however the time needed for reconciliation might depend on the kind of relationship you had. It can take days, weeks, months or even years. The other person did not give up on you, so do not give up on reconstructing the relationship, but do it at your own pace.
Explain about the reason for staying away from the person and make him/her understand your situations. If the relationship is meant to be, then it will be built more stronger and if it is not you also have to learn to let go. But you have to tread with patience.