One of the closest friends I have passed away 3 days back. It still feels weird even saying it, like where would she go? I don’t know where she is and if she can hear me or not, I sincerely hope she can. And there better be an afterlife because I need an angel up there looking out for me. I had seen her about a month ago at my best friend’s birthday. She couldn’t make it to the sleepover though, and I was okay with that. I wanted a very limited number of people for the sleepover, but then I’m stupid. I missed one whole night of having that adorable woman around me. Some 10 hours or so, which seems like a lot of time now considering I won’t get to touch her or laugh with her for the rest of my life now. But we did have a lot of fun the last time we met; just clicking too many pictures and chit chatting. I was with her most of the time, and thank god for that. I knew her for about 5 years. We were classmates in 10th grade, and she used to be one of those unbelievably sweet and chirpy girls and we were immensely fond of each other. Even the sound of her voice was like a melody and I’m not trying to be poetic here. It really was, for real. She baked such yummy desserts. I remember going to her place when she made caramel custard for all of us, and I told her it was perfect. I get my baking fetish from her, I don’t think she knows that.
I stayed in her section more than in mine throughout high school as a matter of fact. I had most of my friends there and we were all in one group. She was one of the constants in my life. Not the formality constants or people you forcibly talk to or out of any compulsion. We wouldn’t text as much. We just met mostly. And the frequency of that too declined in college since we were both too busy with our college work as it was too hectic. We would occasionally meet in the metro or make a plan and go out. Or would randomly text each other sometime, just like that you know to check up on each other. There’s always been this kind of familiarity with her, like people you’re always close to at heart no matter how far away they are. I look at our pictures, like so many old pictures we have too. I feel like I’ve seen her grow as much as I’ve grown up in her presence. And she was one stunning woman. I don’t think I ever told her enough how much I admired how she looked and how elegantly she carried herself. She wore a really simple saree for our school farewell and my god she looked so graceful. She could pull off anything. I remember that time in 11th grade when her little sister was born. She was there with us and her dad gave her the news, and she became teary eyed. Her baby sister is as beautiful just by the way. And she was a mother to her; like she has taken care of her just as a mother looks after her child; fiercely protective yet so gentle and loving.
She has another sister too but with a lesser age gap, and her last post on this social media was about the perks of being the middle child. I saw that after all this happened and suddenly I realised that she isn’t the middle child anymore. She is the big girl and I admire her strength at this moment, just as I admire the rest of her family’s strength. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for her mom to not call her for breakfast or for her dad to not see her home once he comes back from work. It’s a void that nothing and nobody can fill, not that of a child’s or a parent’s, even a friend for that matter. Every person you meet leaves a footprint, and she left a big one in my life. I just wish she didn’t have to walk away, she could keep leaving footprints you know, I’d like that. It feels so strange thinking that I wouldn’t see her on my next birthday. I’ll have one less happy in my happy birthday, one less of everything actually. But I read my scribble day shirt today, she wrote on it on the last day of school. And the last thing she said was that she wouldn’t say she’s going to miss me because she isn’t letting go of me. I’m going to hold her to that and believe that she’s right here, more present than ever.
She’s not even a call away anymore, she’s just everywhere I go because I know she isn’t the kind of people who wouldn’t keep their word. She’s eternal and omnipresent, she’s in the air I breathe, in my skin, everywhere. I can hear the sound of her voice all the time and it doesn’t hurt, believe me it calms me down. I’ve cried my heart out for three days because it’s a little too much to take if I have to be honest about it. But yesterday I promised myself I won’t cry anymore. She left me with a part of her and every time I feel pain, I hurt that part too. So the least I could do is keep that bit of her happy. I would trade anything to see her again believe me. But then she went away young and beautiful with so many people with many fresh memories to miss her. So maybe that is a good way to go. She left us with memories and lessons, and she’s going to fix so many things down here in her absence and light the sky up with her smile up there, I know it. I just love you too much, more than I knew myself. I hope you know that.