The First Time


It was never ever on my to-do list, never. I had one, in my mind, and it did not involve mundane things or schedules, but this list was way too special. It had a lot of special moments which I wanted to experience, a lot of places which I wanted to visit, the various emotions I had thought I would feel in such places and situations- happiness, contentment, amazement, shock, relief, satisfaction. I always planned about my first big salary, the first family trip which I would sponsor, the interviews I would give when I become someone, these various special moments I always thought about. But no, I had never thought about this, about the first love, which I would experience. But yes, what was true of it was just the fact, that it remained an experience. People always say, I used to hear them and ignore all of it, because I thought I had no use of it, stories about their love and crushes. These were just romances, and I thought that I would never like to be involved in such things, because I had much better things to do i.e. to fulfill my ambitions I needed to work on that.
But then, it just happened.
I completed my first month at college, and it was quite satisfying. I had made quite a few friends, and was not at all uncomfortable. I was from an all girl’s school, and it was a little overwhelming first, but then I soon adjusted easily. He was an unknown person for me, until the first day I actually got a message from him on a social networking site. I was surprised I never knew this guy’s name, with around a month of college getting over, but this was it. At first, I thought he will be like any other guy, flirting from the first instance and asking for phone numbers and calling and irritating which would lead to me ultimately blocking them. But I knew this time it was not possible to do that because he was a classmate. Anyways, he messaged and we talked, and it was actually surprising that I was not irritated or bored he was actually very interesting to talk to, and seemed like a very different person. Thus, we started chatting almost every day. I was happy, I had gained quite good friends, and there was this someone who used to like me, who used to praise me like I was the queen, and frankly, I was enjoying the attention. It was all going well, until someday, for some reason, he did not message me.


And I don’t know why, I just could not stop looking at my phone, again and again, waiting for one. I scolded myself, told my mind to stop thinking so much, I thought to myself, how I could become so attached? I figured out, that just because I have been talking to him every day, I got habituated, and it will go away in some time. So, for around two days, we did not chat. Then suddenly, he messaged, and it was all back to normal. We talked, and I felt happy. And, this was the best part about all of this. He made me happy, and I felt nice talking to him. He was smart, and all, and had become a very good friend. We used to hangout together, in college, and it was all good. People in class used to tease me, and I would be like “It’s nothing guys. We are just friends who hang out together”. And I actually believed it. It never struck me as anything else but a special bond, only that I was quite attached and that was not good. But I could not help it. There would be days when we would not talk and then suddenly start talking and it was all very well accepted by me. Some months passed, and I realised that I was hooked to him. It was not a good thing, but it was there. The way he flirted with me, talking about love, and togetherness and all, I would laugh on it, and he knew that I was never serious about all of this.
But then, it happened, again.
He had started to talk really less, and I thought, he must have gotten bored, and it’s okay. I never thought that it will affect me, but then it started to. An outing with our friends, I saw him ignoring me, and talking to every other person, and I felt really bad. I went home, realised everything, and I started crying. It was the first time in life that I was crying over some guy, and it really shocked me, to see the impact or control another person had on my heart and mind. It was not good, and I could not help it. After that, he did message, and we used to talk, and I did ask him, if there was any problem, and he said no, nothing as such. He seemed to be totally unaffected, and that hurt me more. He was behaving as if everything was just normal. Days passed, and then he started ignoring me totally. In class, I was just not present for him, and I used to remain depressed, almost all the time. It was more depressing to see him, having fun, and totally unaffected. It just tortured me more. I was to leave for a family trip, but before that, I knew I had to do something about myself. I just called him up, told him about the trip and he was normal. Then, I was so frustrated, I shouted at him, called him names, and hung up. It felt good. Then he replied, saying he deserved it, and started to have a normal conversation. That was the moment, the instance when I felt nothing for him anymore. I realised, that here is this person, who just does not care and is not affected at all, and seems to be ignorant that he hurt me. This just made me realise, that I was crazy and stupid, and this was not love. And, I got over him, and my life seemed way simpler. The trip was also a good change, and I came back with a lot of experience in me. I went back to college, and felt nothing like I used to before.
He is a very good friend of mine now, because I never wanted to lose out the friendship. I value him as a very special person, and he does consider me a very good friend too. This was a unique experience, and it did teach me a lot of things. I just realised, that my life is worth a lot more than all this, and I will find my true love, whenever it is destined.
But that night, after getting over him, there was this one song, running in my mind, that once, somebody had dedicated to me-
Love Letter

“ Because tonight will be the night I will fall for you, all over again, don’t make me change my mind, I won’t live to see another day, I swear it’s true, coz a girl like you is impossible to find, impossible to find”.

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