I like being selfish. Yes, I said it. But before you start judging me, let me let you that I am not selfish when it comes to materialistic things. I am talking about ‘emotional selfishness’, if that is a word. Sounds weird, doesn’t it? Let me explain to you what I actually mean by that.
When I say that I like being selfish, I mean that sometimes, when I become too tired I just want to stop fighting with the world. I do not want people to need me, and I do not want them to miss me or ask about me or my well-being. I don’t want to make people happy! I don’t want to deal with their problems or advise them or even offer comfort. I just want to throw my hands up in the air and tell the whole world that I GIVE UP. Well, not literally. When I say that I do not mean that things are over for me or that I have lost my faith. I simply want to curl up in my extra cozy and comfortable bed and just forget about the world for some time. No phone calls, no messages, no Whatsapp or Facebook chats. I want to detach myself from everyone and everything and just spend some time with myself. I want to think only about myself and nothing else. I want to mourn the loss of a loved one, or cry myself over a heart break, or simply CRY because things are not going my way. I know that I have the face the world tomorrow but just for tonight I am the master of myself and I choose how things shall be. I guess I just want to lose control. No rules and regulations, and even if they are, I want to break them. I am tempted to do things which I wouldn’t normally do but it’s like they are calling out to me! I wish to say yes to things, without giving a second thought. I want to be rash and do wild things without thinking of the consequences! I do not wish to take any responsibility for my actions. Just for once, I want to listen to what my heart wants, not what my mind wants me to do. I want to cry over things which I have no control over just so that I can be at peace with myself. The world tells me to do what is right, how to sit, how to stand, how to walk, how to eat – There are ways assigned for every action out there and everyone expects you to behave in a certain manner. But just for once I do not want to fit into the mold that the world wants me to. I just want to LET GO of everything that controls me. I want to be selfish in every way possible.
Life has different ways of engaging us. Be it school or college or office, we are all tied up and have become our own slaves. We do not realize but these things take over our life – we become the hostages. It instills in us a feeling that all of this is normal, and that thinking beyond work or spending time on yourself is basically wastage of time.
It seems strange to read that, doesn’t it? You see, I am not one of those people asking for some ‘me’ time so that I can relax and enjoy. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I want to cry, get angry and shout at all the problems of my life. I want to cry till my eyes run dry so that after that experience I can pick myself up and start from scratch. For some people it’s too easy to handle things and put on a façade and go out and face the world. I am not one of those people and I’m sure there are many who agree with me. All these pent up emotions – People find different ways to let them go. Some find solace in writing about it and some choose to be vocal about it. I need these kind of breakdowns – They instill a new energy in me by which confronting my problems becomes slightly less difficult, if not easy.
It may sound too weird to some people, I’m sure. But everywhere we go we are expected to put on a show, wear a fake smile, fit in clothes which are not even comfortable, talk to people who we dislike – The list goes on. Don’t you ever want a break where you can actually display your emotions the way you want? Without anyone giving you a hard time about it? I wish I could get to spend these kind of days every week so that I know that I’m as real as I can be. It’s not wrong to be angry at all – One has to release all the negative emotions often and I feel that this really helps. It makes me believe that there is indeed some sanity left inside of me, that I’ve not yet been completely broken by the outside world.