Her Personal Diary

Every person, at some time, in their life has a situation or story which they can’t share with others. Which they think people will not understand and will judge them through it. So they write it on a piece of paper or maintain a personal diary as a companion and secret sharer. Most of them don’t pay attention to it but for some that piece of paper holds the story of their life. So here’s the story of a girl who trusted her diary more than any person.
dear diary
Dear Diary,
I have been writing a lot of things lately. These are some of the things which I am not comfortable in sharing with others. I don’t know what the reason is but I just think that they will not understand. It’s not as such a big issue but sometimes it happens that even if there’s nothing, you think so much about it that it starts ruling over your mind. Same is happening to me right now. I don’t know what’s going on. Where my life is going but I know that right now I have lot more priorities than being in a relationship or any other stupid thing.
no more pain
I was so clear in my mind that I will not let my heart go week for anyone. I don’t want emotional up-downs and all that crap in my life. I already have a lot to worry about, can’t handle more of it. One of my friends once said it to me “That element, that thing which makes girls emotional, that is missing in you”. I don’t know whether she was kidding or serious. Maybe she is right, maybe not. It’s true that I don’t share my emotional side to anyone. Emotions are for week people. I don’t want people to think I am emotionally vulnerable. It will give them a chance to play with my emotions, again.
I never allowed myself to be emotionally attached with anyone since the last time I made fool of myself by trusting an unworthy person. I can’t blame others. It was my fault. I should have never got so emotionally attached with anyone, but why again? Life was so sorted. Everything was going so fine. I was happy or at least I was not sad. This was so not called for. I can’t let myself feel that pain and disappointment again. It may hurt him in the beginning but he has to understand. That is what’s best for both of us.
We have been friends for 6 years now. He is a buddy. When I needed a friend, he was always there for me. To support me, no matter what and never expected anything in return. But now I can see the hurt in his eyes. He will still not say anything to me. I know, he will bear all that disappointment silently but will never say a single word to me. I respect him a lot. I love him but as a friend. I can’t let him ruin his life because of me. He has to move on. I am no good for him. He deserves a lot better. Someone who will stay by his side in shade and light, someone who can make him feel special. Like he makes me feel, ever since we met. Who won’t burden him with problems of her own. He says ‘He likes me’, because he hasn’t met someone who really deserves him. He is a darling. Maybe he said all that because he feels protective towards me and misinterpreted his feelings as love or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am thinking so much about it that I’m unable to take the right decision.
when you love someone
No matter what, I am happy, sad, excited or disappointed. He is the one I want to share it with. That’s what I have been doing from all these years. We always used to share that bond but somehow, never realized what we really felt. Now he says he loves me. But what about me! What do I feel? Do I feel the same way about him? I don’t know. The one thing I know is that I just can’t lose him. I cannot not talk to him like we used to. He said that nothing will change between us. He still doesn’t expect anything from me and is happy with the bond we share now. But, somewhere deep inside I know that things will never be the same again.
Just because I had a bad experience in past doesn’t mean that I will let it rule the rest of my life. I need to get over it. It’s me who actually needs to move on. I can’t let myself get stuck in that bad phrase and devoid myself from the upcoming happiness. I can never get anyone better than him. He understands me so well. We don’t need anyone else when we are together. Maybe that’s what’s right for me. Or should I not hurry in making any decision. Or am I being selfish? I can’t make him part of my life just because I am lonely. I like him, in fact, I LOVE HIM but I can’t let him know this. Not until I am sure about his feelings. That what he feels is genuine and not mere sympathy. This time, I won’t rush in making any decision.
let go

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