Remember that high school summer when you saw them walk in through the gate, and you couldn’t take your eyes off them? Your eyes followed them to the empty corridors; you could hear your heart beat right out of your mouth and you couldn’t help but notice how well the wind played with their hair. I know it sounds like a not so well written fairy tale. But basically I’m exaggerating on how wonderful first love feels. You don’t know where you are, where you’re going and nearly taken aback by how blissfully happy you are. It’s a kind of uninvited uncalled for kind of happiness. Unexpected in so many ways, and the things it makes you do. It’s like you’re curled up in your blanket and taking their dreams, and if anyone tried to wake you up, you’d probably turn into a ninja because there’s no way in hell you’d want to snap out of that dream. Maybe they’re your classmate, or you met them randomly at a party and started chatting up, or you met them during a train journey. Love stories can begin anywhere now, can’t they?
Then you exchanged numbers and then began the all day texting and late night phone conversations. You’d start at 11 in the night, and talk straight upto 6 in the morning without even knowing what you’d talk about. You could literally just stay on the phone to hear their voice, or even the sound of their breath; it was your favourite music. You’d take them out for coffee dates or watch their favourite movies with them. You’re actually just watching them watch the movie most of the time though, but it makes you happier than any movie ever would. You begin to talk like them, and like things they like. You jumble up words when you’re talking to them because they look so incredible they make you forget what you’re saying. You watch their favourite movies, read their favourite books, watch their favourite tv shows too, just to get a hang of what their life is like. You introduce them to your friends, get them more involved in your social life because they’re such a big part of your life in general now. You surprise them from time to time, get their favourite chocolates every time you go visit them. You watch them over when they’re sick, and you want to punch anyone who even manages to just about get a glance of them. You practically want to hide them from the world and keep them all to yourself. You feel a sense of belonging when you’re with them, not ownership. You want them to carry on doing anything that brings them joy even if it’s at a cost to you or causes you some kind of inconvenience. They just mean too much.
Then one fine day, you finally gather the courage to let them know how unthinkably and irrevocably you’re in love with them. Maybe if you’re lucky, they might just reciprocate. And then you walk right into your happily ever after. Only that forever doesn’t last very long every time. Falling in love is a big risk you’re taking, it’s worth it all though. But sometimes it causes more pain than one can endure. Slowly the sand castle that you built with them begins to fall apart. There are time issues, space issues, understanding issues and well god knows what not. You can come up with a new terminology for the number of issues that can cause trouble in a relationship. First love is incredible and frustrating all at the same time. By the time you actually begin to get to know each other, you’re already in a state you can’t escape from. There’s a lot time can heal, but well, not everything. Soon you realise that you just touched their skin, you didn’t get into their roots. You knew things they liked and disliked, what they wanted, but that was all materialistic stuff, it wasn’t who they are. What a person wants doesn’t define them. For a relationship to work, you need to feel how they feel. Then as they say, all good things come to an end, So does your first ever love story. And then begins the heartbreak phase. I believe the pain actually comes from the knowledge of not having them anymore than their actual absence. You’re so used to talking to them all day and night, that you don’t know what to do in all that time anymore. It leaves a void that you can’t fill with another person or activity.
You’ll find a new place for every new person who enters your life, but what you had with them stays right there. You never find replacements for anyone you love, because you can’t replicate the feelings involved. You’ll probably find someone new, someone different, and you’ll get a fresh start, but the intensity of what you felt almost involuntarily, you don’t get that back. You miss the feeling more than the person as a matter of fact. But believe me, it’s not the end of the world. As much as you think you’re never getting over them, in all likelihood if you believe you can, you will. And you’ll recover a lot faster than you thought you would. Nevertheless, your first love may or may not be your last, but it’ll change you in more ways than you can imagine, and it’ll always be special. And because it’s so special, it needs to be cherished and not loathed. So what if it didn’t last? It gave you lovely memories and that’s what really matters. After all, love is too good a feeling to be hated.