You are not your age, nor the size of the clothes you wear. You are not a weight, or the colour of your hair. You are not your name or the dimple in your cheeks. You are all the books you read and the words you speak. You are your croaky morning voice, and the smiles you try to hide. You’re the sweetness in your laughter, and every tear you’ve cried. You are the songs you sing so loudly, when you know you are all alone. You are the places that you have been to, and the ones you call home. You are the things that you believe in and the people that you love. You are the photos in your bedroom and the future you dream of. You are the glitter in your eyes when you speak about something you love.
But having said that, you are none of the above. Because nobody ever remains the same. You are not the same now as you were when the last time you cried. You will never be the same again in fact. As time change, people change. And change is the only constant. No matter how much you try to preserve the old you, you will never succeed. This is the ugly truth of life.
Haven’t you noticed it yourself? Remember the last time when you wore that old funky jeans, it looked so cool on you. But now, you find it gross. And do you remember the face behind those big bangs? Don’t you regret chopping off your pretty hair? Today you may find these things silly but there was a time when they were the only things you cared about. See how much have you changed since then. Even though you were very much yourself then, but now you can’t call that person as you. This is what happens to us as we grow. We discover ourselves, we explore new boundaries, we lose ourselves and we close some doors behind us. Although the body remains the same, we are not the same we were an hour ago. Every minute that we spend alive is changing us into something that we never thought we would ever be. When you were a child you had so many dreams, you wanted to become great. You wanted to play all day and eat through the rest of your lives. What happened to all those dreams? Where did those aspirations go? Something changed it. Your perspective of the world. You no longer see the world through those innocent eyes. Did you ever imagine when you were 5 year old that you will ever be standing where you are standing right now? Can you imagine yourself the same 10 years from now? Nobody can. Even though we say that we are still the same, we are not. Ask people around, and they will tell you how. People say the best way to check how much you have changed is by visiting an old friend. An old friend is like a mirror to your past. When you meet an old friend you will realise that the book that you used to read then is not your favourite book anymore and the words that would never skip your mouth are somewhere lost. You will realise how much have learned to hide your tears and fake a smile. You no longer burst into roars of laughter, you just smile. The songs that would never leave your lips are somewhere lost in you. You just the miss yourself among the photo in your bedroom and the dreams of your future which would not let you sleep. In spite of all that you don’t want to lose the “you” you are right now. Because that’s what makes your life worth living. Both the ups and the downs.
There may be times when are just waiting to get home into your room, close the door and fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either. Sometimes you may like drinking coffee alone and reading alone. And that is totally fine. It gives you time to think and set your mind free. But when you see a mother with a child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friends, you realise that even though you like being alone but you don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful but the people are sad. Sometimes you may be happy and sometimes you may be sad, but you will never be the same kind of happy and the same kind of sad again. You might have been living in your body since ages but still you need lights and maps to find your way to how you feel. And only in retrospection do you find that you are not the same anymore. The one you are looking for doesn’t exist anymore. There are only memories, and memories are all that would ever be.
However, it doesn’t matter how ugly the truth is, or how many personalities you’ve changed into. All that matter is that you cherish what you have and live every minute of it as if you will die the next moment. Because the truth is, you will actually lose this self and get transformed into a new self the next moment. Life will never be the same again so just enjoy it till it lasts. And just remember that you are not defined by the things that you are not.